Miss Disaster and the Back up Brats

Things that could have been a Disaster if not for my ace parenting skills and highly honed powers of observation.
1. Brady finding Fruity Pebbles and getting out the bag inside the box.
2. Brady figuring out the toaster (and, apparently, how to climb up on bar stools)
3. Brady learning that Diaper is Optional Clothing (umm, wait, this was a pretty big disaster)
4. Ailise deciding to tattoo her brother with PERMANENT SHARPIE.
5. Ailise realizing things leave when flushed down the toliet (Don't want to wear shoes? FLUSH THEM!!)
6. Keegan deciding to 'clean' all of our DVD's with febreeze and baby wipes.
7. Cheetos. White shirt. Well, I think it's self explanatory.
8. any one of them feeding the dog Play-doh, moon sand, the rest of their Easter Candy.

Also, forgive last night's post, I realize now that I was so tired I could barely talk, let alone write, so I'm not even sure I spell checked. OH well.
In things I'm loving right now..
Check this out..
Have a great weekend.

A Day Gone and A dollar Flat

It's official. I totally didn't win the Erma Bombeck writing contest.

And I have to say, it totally sucks, but rather than wallowing in misery (well, since I've already done that for two hours) I will be brave and assume that I was just overlooked.

In other headline news : Leesy is three!

Which means she's still roughly the size of a two year old with a ten year olds wit and vocabulary.

It's disconcerting. We did have a good day (sort of) We started at Club Libby Lu ,

which I assumed would be right up Leesy's alley, but instead she screamed like a wild hyena was attacking her head when the girl started to put in bobby pins. Instead, Keegan got a gorgeous princess hairdo, make-up and manicure, while the birthday girl clung to my chest and whimpered, until we passed the play area on our way out, when she was magically cured her whatever the heck was wrong and played for almost an hour before deciding we would Build a new Bear that says happy birthday. So we did. (another hour chasing three year old around build a bear, all the while lugging our 'loot' from Libby Lu's, OH? didn't I mention Leesy still wanted her haul, she just didn't want anyone touching her? )

Now, we decide to eat (OK, they decide to eat and I wonder if the mall has a pharmacy that might slip me a few Paxil Ativan Xanax)

Silly me, we didn't bring in the stroller (always, always bring the stroller into the mall. Always.)

So I have....A mini dog carrying pocketbook, Leesy's 'accident' backpack, Keegan's new beach bag, two Build-a-bear boxes, my pocketbook and a wicked itch on my neck when the moron working at the Chinese kiosk places my food on one side of the tray and the food on the other.

Of course (I mean of course) this mean the tray flips as soon as I pick it up while people stream around me oblivious to the fact that I'm carrying more bags that an oversea traveler and trying to balance a food tray and two little girls.

The joy of the spoiling of the birthday child.

The upside?

tonight when she went to sleep, I heard her playing her Birthday song (that Keegan and I had recorded for her, and stuck in her leopard, a pink one, again, of course it was pink) about seventy eight times.

so it was good.

here's hoping the batteries in those sound thingamajigs only last for a few days....

Ma'am? Maybe I need botox.

OK, how is possible to feel so dang old at only 29?

Pull my arm (but not too hard, I'm sore from any physical activity longer than twenty minutes)and I'll tell you.

Because everywhere I go, I'm either someone's mom, someone's caregiver or even if I'm all alone (rarely) I still get, would you like me to carry that out for you Ma'am?

MA'AM????

Now, in defense of sweet little high school bag boys everywhere, at least they call me Ma'am and not some other less polite things.

BUT (and this is a big butt) it was not soooo long ago, I was getting asked out by high school bag boys instead of being offered ben-gay and a cane. I mean really, Hmph.

On the upside, I did get carded at Red Lobster.
Which made me a little happy and a little sad.
For two reasons.
One..Mike got sick and we had to leave my beautiful pina colada, all alone and sad and undrunk.
Two...It is a little inconvenient to pull out your licence with the horrible picture and have someone pore over it and declare, you look nothing like this.

So, should you be flattered that you look nothing like you did five years ago? Or upset?
Did the bones in my face migrate?
I mean, I'm still a redhead (although I'm contemplating a major change in hair color just to shake things up) I'm still 5'5", I still wear corrective lenses. How many people could pretend to be me?
geez.

NOW list time, Straight from Urban Dictionary!

New words and phrases to work into your vocab.

Rut Ro- Uh oh in Scooby doo language (and consequently, Brady's)

Irregardless-Without lack of regard (I know, give yourself a second)

Dk;Dc- don't know, don't care (I love this even though I would never say it, because usually I do know and even more often, I care)

consumerican-Person suffering from a particularly American Brand of consumerism.

Gullible-the only word not in the dictionary, go look.

Wikedemia- An academic work passed off as scholarly, but researched entirely on Wikipedia.

Now, don't you feel much smarter and more 'in the know' and hip and with it?
Good, cuz that was my goal.
That and the whole gullible thing. But don't get mad. That's just how I roll.

Ma'am.

r

My children are gifts...

...and sometimes I wish I'd kept the receipt.
and on that note, I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did. I doubt I had more than two hours of sleep at a time. (not just kids fault, mind working overtime)
My children were not physically ill, they just had a touch of the selective hearing virus and the willful and malicious fever.
They. Did. Not. Listen. To. A. Single. Word. We. Said.
If some generous gypsies had happened upon us, they would have three new recruits. Heck, if animal control had stopped by...
OK, you get the point. Long Weekend, children bad. blah, blah....
We were at Elevation on Sunday and there was a guest speaker. I hate to say anything bad about the wonderful ministry we helped launch, but I was a little disappointed on Sunday. I was really looking foward to the speaker, Michael Leahy, who was quite a speaker, but really stopped just short of shocking and awing me.
Maybe I'm jaded, or perhaps we didn't have quite enough time to delve all the way into Mr. Leahy's story (he is a self-professed sex addict, and lost his family, job and will to live..I think.)but, I missed a lot of the 'wow this is great' ministry that is usually what Elevationeers are known for.
There was no scriptural integration, no referencing the bible at all really, and I was left a little cold from the whole thing.
The sermon series is Break Out, and like all of Elevation's series it is in your face and very raw and real. I think once I hear the whole of the sermons together I will understand and possibly enjoy it more. You can hear it for yourself on the Elevation website or download it free on itunes. If you get a chance, I'd love to hear your take. If not, don't even worry about it.
In other news!!!!
Jennifer Weiner's long awaited new book Certain Girls finally, finally comes out tomorrow. Check out the new website, her new pic is fabulous.
Time for my morphine drip to help me sleep girlz....
Sorry no list...
OK, here it is.
things I wish I could do...
1. Bowl.
2. Play tennis.
3. Speak (not just read, a little) Latin.
4. Hula hoop for longer than three seconds.
5. Say what I mean to say.
6. Read minds.
7. Sleep.
8. Sleep.*not to be confused with #7.
9. Finish my book already.
10. Find my waist.
11. Juggle...
and finally.
12. sing. In fact, I'm going to go buy a bucket. (to carry that tune...what? not funny?)
OK, perhaps I'm delirious. No matter.
Pay no attention to the short fat lady behind the keyboard laughing maniacally and swigging red bull. She knows not what she types.
R

Ulgy is the new pretty.

I'm a terrible parent. Or that's what I tell myself when I'm loosing my patience for the fifth time or screaming irrationally or any one of the million things I DO that you just AREN'T supposed to do.

Here's a list of my most grievous offenses, in no particular order.

1. I don't like playing tea party, cars, choo choo or horsey, but I do it, though not always with a smile.

2. We rarely let our children 'cry it out', and when we attempted it, I ended up in tears hovering near their doors, thinking about future therapy bills and possible detachment issues.

3.I'm not a alphabet, color or nap time Nazi. We hover around a schedule of School, Y, play date, lunch nap, outside. But we don't freak out if it's missed. Sometimes we pay a high price for this.

4. I forget. All the time. Sometimes when I finally, finally lay down at night I can count up to ten things I said we would do 'in just a minute' or 'later' that I never quite got to. I really hate this.

5. I have been known, on occasion, to curse in front of my little ears. I resist the urge to run to confession and Keegan's kindergarten teacher to explain that I had stubbed my toe, Brady had broken all the eggs and Leesy was climbing on the cabinet again.

6. Potty training nearly put me in a mental institution.

7. Also, on rare occasions, I've been more worried about what my kids LOOK like that what they are ACTING like (parentless heathens without a lick of sense)

8. I lick my finger and clean faces. There, I said it.

9. Sometimes, the TV is my unpaid babysitter.

10. Sometimes, my husband is my unpaid babysitter (I guess this is not a parenting mistake, more a wife mistake, but still)

The fact that I still have a few frightens and concerns me, but I'll forge on..

11. Sometimes a balanced lunch is an apple and potato chips and a multivitamin in the car. (oh the embarrassment!)

12. I dress my kids alike. A lot, more often than is strictly necessary. but it's cute. and I like it.

13. My biggest parenting mistake is that I don't give myself credit for the things that I'm doing right, that I don't tell my friends what great parents they are and how it's really awesome how hard we try, and that I don't tell my kids quite as often as I should that they are beautiful, wonderful amazing creatures, and I love them.

pat yourself on the back you face-lickers, we're doing the best we can!!

R

Top Ten Reason I love Chocolate(and late nite TV)

OK, so not nearly as hot as Johnny Depp, but he's got a heck of a sense of humor( or his writers do) and he made the list famous.
So what could be more appropriate than having a top ten to begin my month of lists?

10 reasons I'm a chocoholic.

1. Everything else is illegal, and makes your teeth fall out and your skin look terrible.
2. Chocolate doesn't talk back, scream to have it's diaper changed, beg for your food, or make fun of it's chocolatey buddies.
3. Chocolate kisses, chocolate cheesecakes, and brownies. The trifecta.
4. Calorie-free when shared with friends!
5. It's the one thing my Dad and I have in common (besides some pretty good DNA, and the ability to make people comfortable)
6. HOT Chocolate.
7. You can get it anywhere, even at the bookstore, Books and Chocolate the perfect combination.
8. Supporting the cocoa bean industry makes me feel a part of the industrial food chain.
9. I'm pretty sure it can cure diseases. (Like stupid and PMS)
10. Because I am, and I don't care who knows it!!! Now hand over the candy bar and no-one gets hurt.

Not quite as clever as Dave, but admittedly, he has help. Also, I gots a whole month to milk this thing and I don't want give all my stuff away right at first.
If you're wondering what my favorite chocolate of all time is, It's these , they are divine!
But if I can't afford eight dollar truffles Dove will do.
What's the thing you love and would pine for on a desert island??

Gettin' Bloggy with it.

I'm pregnant. With twins. By this man in the photo.

Ok, April fools. hehe. I'm horrible with April Fools jokes and even though I love love love all celebratable holidays, April Fools is my least successful. You can't decorate, there are no colors, and you don't get to put up a funky tree and make cookies. Well, I suppose you could make cookies, but you'd just be making cookies for no reason. I think I'll institute mandatory April Fools food, how about donuts? Good yes? Also, I'm cancelling the joke part of April Fools and now the first day of April will be National Give a compliment day!

You look pretty.

See, I'm getting it started, it's up to you to pay it forward.

Ok, so, probably compliments won't be quite as popular as this. Which may be one of the greatest hoodwinks ever. I think April will be list month. Though I'm not finished with my favorite things list, here's a small list of what I'm lovin' right this second.

1. This Vanity Fair cover (in all fairness, you can barely see, but it's Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey) and it says, Who says women can't be funny) it prompted me to buy AND READ the article. I'm way more Vogue, Cosmo and Glamour than Vanity Fair, which seems to tout a lot of pretentious swill that makes me nauseous and although this issue was much of the same, the article on women comedians and women comedy writers was pretty informative. I did get a little miffed when they called Lucille Ball about as interesting as cardboard (sic) in an interview but otherwise pretty good stuff. The basic premise is that women ARE funny, and although they are less of a presence in the media, they are more prolific now, and therefore making themselves known. Even (gasp) in the upcoming comedy Babymama, writing, leading and producing without the help of a big strong man. Go girls!
2. The Dirty Girls Social Club by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, which is about four years too late, because when I checked out her web site, she's already completed the sequel. Still funny, still good.
3. The fact that SCHOOL is back in session. SAVE ME FROM SUMMER!!
4. Planning Leesey's 3rd birthday party. We're thinking of getting her her own place.
5. The fact that post started with a picture of Johnny Depp.

Happy April. Rabbit, Rabbit.