Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
And look at me, posting before I have breakfast. I'm super.
Ok, not so much.
I'm playing the avoiding my chores game. I'm great at this game. So great in fact, I can put off a single chore (for examples sake, lets say mopping the floor, cinderella-style) for up to three weeks, any longer and well, it just doesn't make sense, does it?
I don't mind mopping in and of itself, I mind the hullabaloo to get to the ACTUAL MOPPING>you know, the sweeping(or swiffering), the carrying of all objects into adjacent room, the wetting the mop. It just goes on and on and on. And frankly, who hasn't mopped only to find your lovely floor over ran with spaghetti, mud, or overzealous finger painting toddlers?
Which of course, is one of my excuses not to mop, I'm planning on finger painting, mud wrestling or making spaghetti, I couldn't possibly MOP today! Alas, I have run out of excuses and therefore I have to just suck it up and DO IT ALREADY, just not now, I have to BLOG.
OH yeah, is anyone looking especially forward to Mother's Day this year?
I'm not, but I've heard through the grapevine..er, well, the car riders line and dance class waiting room, that lots of mommies are getting some really nice gifts due to the stimulus package. Which is nice, I'd like a van, a new camera and a spa package. Please.
In that order.
I'm kidding. (not really)
Totally JOKING. I already have the greatest gift a mother could have.
I still have my sanity.
Is anyone else wondering when one of the Disney Bands are going to have a top forty hit?
I love the Imagination Movers. But, the Wiggles have been around for a good bit longer and I'm just waiting for fruit salad to be on the VH1 top twenty countdown. These songs are so catchy, I'm sing them when actually serving fruit salad or when Calling all movers from north to south.
Admittedly that one doesn't flow so much. I see it happening though.
Did anyone watch Jon and Kate plus 8 or TIVO it? It seems Kate has chilled a bit, or perhaps has been medicated? She was less snarky and more willing to leave Jon alone with all 8. She did it more than once. Gasp.
OK, I'm seriously running out of things to talk about. This. is. not. good.
I may actually have to clean.
But first, next month will be RANDOM BOOK REVIEWS!!
so, if you have written a book you want mentioned, just email me and I'll read it and review it, or if you have a recommendation, send it my way.
Things NOT to say to a husband having the big 'V'.
1. If you think this hurts....
2. Do you feel that your manhood is gone?
3. Now you can't get your girlfriend pregnant.
4. I'm pregnant.
5. I think I see smoke...is that normal. (yes it is. that's why they call it cauterizing. it means burning in medicalese.)
One more thing. Have you guys seen Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) in her Vanity Fair Photo shoot?
What do you think?
too sexy for a fifteen year old?It's raising a lot of ruckus. I have a five year old who happens to be a fan, who will not be seeing it. I'm also a fan and I although I personally have no problem with it, is this not reminiscent of the cover of the Rolling Stone with Britney Spears?
I just don't want the same thing to happen to Miss Miley.
That all being said, I'd love to hear opinions, and if you love or hate it.
PS. Shot by Annie Leibowitz, who does fantastic photos.
OK, OK, I'm going to mop. I promise.
One more thing...R
Monday, April 28, 2008
Because this weekend is supposed to be superfun! Which means, of course, that I will probably be sick or indisposed in some way that will make my superfun time impossible. Do you think if I acknowledge the jinx it nullifies it's power? Just a thought.
Well, I will speak no more of it.
With my fingers crossed.
I have tentatively some news about writing that could possibly be awesome, but again, I don't want to jinx it.
In things I can share news, my friend Rebecca has a new blog, I'm sure she would love a visit. Rebecca and I are collaborating on parenting project, so if you have any heartwarming, funny, sweet, silly or otherwise stories to share, please do. Since I've skipped over the lists the last few days, this list will be L-O-N-G, meaning short.
Why I'll never be a bridesmaid again.
1. This movie.
2. The fact that all my friends are old married women. (ok, not old, old, but you get the point)
3. I have dress issued on the best of days, wedding days are no exception.
4. Wedding cake.
A side note, I have no problem with weddings per se, it's just that at this juncture in my life, I've been married and bridesmaiding for ten or so years, and well, it gets old.
another side note, if and when my lovely little sister gets married, I'm hoping she'll have mercy on me and make me something sedentary like a registry attendant or photographer. (hint, Jess, hint)
5. I hate, hate, hate having my picture taken.
6. I've walked the aisle with my pic, walking the aisle with stranger friend of my friend? Not so much.
So rent 27 dresses with friends and decide what was the best thing about your wedding.
And the worst.
Friday, April 25, 2008
While I? seriously considered tossing them into the yard after hogtying them together.
But I didn't, I suppose in part to my good mood and the fact that they may get into more trouble in the yard than in here.
I will have the second part of the excerpt later today, but it is not forthcoming right this second because I haven't have time to proofread. (hint: What Rhianna should be doing right now? I'll take working on her writing and not blathering self-serving blogs for 200 Alex)
In Happy camper news, I will not be winning neatest Camper again this year. But, in my defense, I was a really neat camper when I lived at home. Now, for some odd reason, my kids think they live here, and are allowed to toss their thousands of possesions willy nilly until I scream 'ENOUGH!' and toss them all upstairs (which I affectionately refer to as 'the toy pit'.)
I have noticed in my travels (you know, to Uptown Shelby and home) that there is an unusual amount of garbage lately. Is this because everyone is moving or are people actually spring cleaning? Or perhaps people are rebelling against the very notion of going Green and are just throwing away as much as they can in an attempt to sabotage our poor planet as quickly as possible? I just wondered because not only have I witnessed an abnormal amount of waste, but also people digging through it, (surely they purexed before and after, right?) and (I swear this is true) someone had actually put a sign on their garbage that said 'Garbage only, no clothing'. I wish I had my camera and the guts to get out of the car and photograph it. I say resist the urge to dig through someone's waste, in this time of Asian bird toxic hepatitis I think it would be a tad unsafe. That's just me, tho, it's up to you.
But, if I'm sitting on a couch you salvaged from a street corner, please don't tell me.
Unless you'd like to see a fat lady jump up and run, then by all means, lay it on me.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I don't exactly have an edited 'Ditz gets it done excerpt ready. Darn the #$%&!!! printer, but I do have two shorts from my new Work In Progress 'Thintentions'
About a young girl with body issues and six perfect sisters who are marrying at an alarming rate.
First excerpt is today and I'll hopefully get the second one up this weekend sometime.
And BTW, have you noticed that Brooke Shields is like the new poster girl for good parenting? she's in no less than three ads in Parents this month. UMM, no offense, but when did celebrities with endless supplies of nannies and income get to tell me how to effectively parent?
Thintentions excerpt #1 Enjoy! and Share!
I have six sisters.
That’s right, six. I am one of seven girls. Eventually, my parents gave up on trying to have a boy and started marrying their daughters off. I have been a bridesmaid and/or maid of honor in three weddings. The fourth is all set to go in two months and while I try to be happy for my sisters and I am, happy, but sometimes I feel like the most unmarriable girl on the planet. My sisters are graceful gazelles, and I am a galumphing walrus. They’ve all floated through life dancing, cheerleading, singing like an angel, or other equally feminine pursuits. While I, on the other hand, am a proud trumpet player and crackerjack chess player, and have never ever in my whole life worn a tutu. Nor do I have any sort of perverse desire to do so now that my days of possible cute ballerina are over.
In every photo of my painful and restless childhood, I am squeezed in a corner of the picture, looking miserable and well, fat. Not that I was, or am, really, truly fat. I’m just not as thin as Missy, Chrissy, Candy, Penelope, Sandra or Constance. They are thin as whips and tall as the father who checked out mentally, economically and socially when Missy, the youngest, turned two. I topped out at five three and hover in the young double digits, which makes me look like the ball to my sisters’ bats.
It only got worse after high school. I stopped being athletic in any way. No more softball picnics, no more marching band camps, bring on the freshman fifteen for me and for my rail thin sister Penelope who was born a mere eleven months after me, and by default became my roommate. Penny was content to listen to pan flute music and do Pilates while I scared our mothers’ homemade care packages and lay in bed moaning about Luke. The boy who got away. Isn’t there always a boy who got away? I try to make myself feel better about Luke by telling myself that he really is a boy and not a man, and even though I deluded myself about our relationship, it was nonetheless devastating when I walked into his dorm with a bag of cool Ranch Doritos and a six-pack, hollering about the futurama marathon, only to see him with his face buried in the crotch of Tami or Toni something or other. I really thought I could wear Luke down. He totally got me, and I got him, or so I thought. We had started out studying together, one of the mindless freshman classes that you’re forced to take to assimilate to college life. He was cute in a messy not-quite-grown-up-yet sort of way and I loved that. He seemed not averse to my relative short and chubbiness, and so we forged a friendship built on comfort and overt desire on my part. Looking back it may have been free adoration, beer and chips on his part. But we pressed forward, and even when our class ended, we continued to hang out, that is until I caught the up close and personal fellatio show in his dorm, then I ran back to my dorm, where Penny patted my back and tried not to say I told you so. Just a thought.
Thintentions excerpt #1
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I have had time to read a few posts and here is one of my favorites. I'm terribly bitter and jealous (Call me Insecure Girl, lately) about all the Mommy bloggers who got wicked swag and the chance to meet and greet all the other Mommy Bloggers. But I will not bore you with my mired in self doubtedness. IN other good news, not only did Famed "Chick" lit author Jennifer Weiner ink a SEVEN figure deal with ABC, she was Also on CBS Morning news, this am, If you have time or the inclination, Check it OUT. She's awesome and she earned it, but I still get all ill and just plain mad that I can't make this kind of thing happen for me (can you say delusional? And possibly too neurotic to live?) I mean, I've only been committed to my writing for a year or so, and I don't know what I expected to happen. OK, I expected Stephen King himself to read something of Mine and swoon at the brilliance (MySpace blog perhaps?) and just have to find someone to represent me.
Have I mentioned that I daydream a bit too much for a grown up?
I will be posting some of my writing soon, thanks for all the great messages and emails asking how my progress is coming and all that.
I do have a COMPLETED first draft of The ditz gets it DONE, which is about a former beauty queen who is asked to judge the same pageant she won five years earlier. At the same time that her life is falling apart (fiance' running off to sing with band, mother going BSC). In addition to the free trip to Vegas she gets to land smack dab in the middle of a Beauty Queen Murder Mystery. And, oh yeah? did I mention, of course there's this guy. (tentatively and affectionately named for my hometown, Marshall.) I will post an excerpt tonight or in the morning. I'd love to hear feedback.
List for the day:
Inappropriate Ring tones for Mothers of PreSchoolers.
1. Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
2. Da club (Applebottom jeans, boots with the fur, da whole club was looking at her)
3. Honky-tonk Badonkadonk (sp?)
4. Touch my body (the new Mariah Carey song, I mean really!)
5. Let's get it on.
I can think of a lot more, and a few I've even had that were, ummm, questionable.
But I think you get the picture.
Who else loves this song and video?
Also, Most of you probably know by now, but I have a lovely new namesake, Elliana Rhiannon Horldt. Eesn't SHEE beeeyouteeful?
I think so.
I must be way cooler than I think I am to have such a wonderful honor.
She's lovely and healthy and settling in with her family and her big brother Carson, but they could still use thoughts and prayers.
Whew, I think that's all for now, hopefully later today I'll have an excerpt.
Friday, April 18, 2008
1. Brady finding Fruity Pebbles and getting out the bag inside the box.
2. Brady figuring out the toaster (and, apparently, how to climb up on bar stools)
3. Brady learning that Diaper is Optional Clothing (umm, wait, this was a pretty big disaster)
4. Ailise deciding to tattoo her brother with PERMANENT SHARPIE.
5. Ailise realizing things leave when flushed down the toliet (Don't want to wear shoes? FLUSH THEM!!)
6. Keegan deciding to 'clean' all of our DVD's with febreeze and baby wipes.
7. Cheetos. White shirt. Well, I think it's self explanatory.
8. any one of them feeding the dog Play-doh, moon sand, the rest of their Easter Candy.
Also, forgive last night's post, I realize now that I was so tired I could barely talk, let alone write, so I'm not even sure I spell checked. OH well.
In things I'm loving right now..
Check this out..
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
It's official. I totally didn't win the Erma Bombeck writing contest.
And I have to say, it totally sucks, but rather than wallowing in misery (well, since I've already done that for two hours) I will be brave and assume that I was just overlooked.
In other headline news : Leesy is three!
Which means she's still roughly the size of a two year old with a ten year olds wit and vocabulary.
It's disconcerting. We did have a good day (sort of) We started at Club Libby Lu ,
which I assumed would be right up Leesy's alley, but instead she screamed like a wild hyena was attacking her head when the girl started to put in bobby pins. Instead, Keegan got a gorgeous princess hairdo, make-up and manicure, while the birthday girl clung to my chest and whimpered, until we passed the play area on our way out, when she was magically cured her whatever the heck was wrong and played for almost an hour before deciding we would Build a new Bear that says happy birthday. So we did. (another hour chasing three year old around build a bear, all the while lugging our 'loot' from Libby Lu's, OH? didn't I mention Leesy still wanted her haul, she just didn't want anyone touching her? )
Now, we decide to eat (OK, they decide to eat and I wonder if the mall has a pharmacy that might slip me a few Paxil Ativan Xanax)
Silly me, we didn't bring in the stroller (always, always bring the stroller into the mall. Always.)
So I have....A mini dog carrying pocketbook, Leesy's 'accident' backpack, Keegan's new beach bag, two Build-a-bear boxes, my pocketbook and a wicked itch on my neck when the moron working at the Chinese kiosk places my food on one side of the tray and the food on the other.
Of course (I mean of course) this mean the tray flips as soon as I pick it up while people stream around me oblivious to the fact that I'm carrying more bags that an oversea traveler and trying to balance a food tray and two little girls.
The joy of the spoiling of the birthday child.
tonight when she went to sleep, I heard her playing her Birthday song (that Keegan and I had recorded for her, and stuck in her leopard, a pink one, again, of course it was pink) about seventy eight times.
so it was good.
here's hoping the batteries in those sound thingamajigs only last for a few days....
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Which made me a little happy and a little sad.
For two reasons.
One..Mike got sick and we had to leave my beautiful pina colada, all alone and sad and undrunk.
Two...It is a little inconvenient to pull out your licence with the horrible picture and have someone pore over it and declare, you look nothing like this.
So, should you be flattered that you look nothing like you did five years ago? Or upset?
Did the bones in my face migrate?
I mean, I'm still a redhead (although I'm contemplating a major change in hair color just to shake things up) I'm still 5'5", I still wear corrective lenses. How many people could pretend to be me?
NOW list time, Straight from Urban Dictionary!
New words and phrases to work into your vocab.
Rut Ro- Uh oh in Scooby doo language (and consequently, Brady's)
Irregardless-Without lack of regard (I know, give yourself a second)
Dk;Dc- don't know, don't care (I love this even though I would never say it, because usually I do know and even more often, I care)
consumerican-Person suffering from a particularly American Brand of consumerism.
Gullible-the only word not in the dictionary, go look.
Wikedemia- An academic work passed off as scholarly, but researched entirely on Wikipedia.
Now, don't you feel much smarter and more 'in the know' and hip and with it?
Good, cuz that was my goal.
That and the whole gullible thing. But don't get mad. That's just how I roll.
Monday, April 7, 2008
and on that note, I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did. I doubt I had more than two hours of sleep at a time. (not just kids fault, mind working overtime)
My children were not physically ill, they just had a touch of the selective hearing virus and the willful and malicious fever.
They. Did. Not. Listen. To. A. Single. Word. We. Said.
If some generous gypsies had happened upon us, they would have three new recruits. Heck, if animal control had stopped by...
OK, you get the point. Long Weekend, children bad. blah, blah....
We were at Elevation on Sunday and there was a guest speaker. I hate to say anything bad about the wonderful ministry we helped launch, but I was a little disappointed on Sunday. I was really looking foward to the speaker, Michael Leahy, who was quite a speaker, but really stopped just short of shocking and awing me.
Maybe I'm jaded, or perhaps we didn't have quite enough time to delve all the way into Mr. Leahy's story (he is a self-professed sex addict, and lost his family, job and will to live..I think.)but, I missed a lot of the 'wow this is great' ministry that is usually what Elevationeers are known for.
There was no scriptural integration, no referencing the bible at all really, and I was left a little cold from the whole thing.
The sermon series is Break Out, and like all of Elevation's series it is in your face and very raw and real. I think once I hear the whole of the sermons together I will understand and possibly enjoy it more. You can hear it for yourself on the Elevation website or download it free on itunes. If you get a chance, I'd love to hear your take. If not, don't even worry about it.
In other news!!!!
Jennifer Weiner's long awaited new book Certain Girls finally, finally comes out tomorrow. Check out the new website, her new pic is fabulous.
Time for my morphine drip to help me sleep girlz....
Sorry no list...
OK, here it is.
things I wish I could do...
2. Play tennis.
3. Speak (not just read, a little) Latin.
4. Hula hoop for longer than three seconds.
5. Say what I mean to say.
6. Read minds.
8. Sleep.*not to be confused with #7.
9. Finish my book already.
10. Find my waist.
12. sing. In fact, I'm going to go buy a bucket. (to carry that tune...what? not funny?)
OK, perhaps I'm delirious. No matter.
Pay no attention to the short fat lady behind the keyboard laughing maniacally and swigging red bull. She knows not what she types.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
So what could be more appropriate than having a top ten to begin my month of lists?
10 reasons I'm a chocoholic.
1. Everything else is illegal, and makes your teeth fall out and your skin look terrible.
2. Chocolate doesn't talk back, scream to have it's diaper changed, beg for your food, or make fun of it's chocolatey buddies.
3. Chocolate kisses, chocolate cheesecakes, and brownies. The trifecta.
4. Calorie-free when shared with friends!
5. It's the one thing my Dad and I have in common (besides some pretty good DNA, and the ability to make people comfortable)
6. HOT Chocolate.
7. You can get it anywhere, even at the bookstore, Books and Chocolate the perfect combination.
8. Supporting the cocoa bean industry makes me feel a part of the industrial food chain.
9. I'm pretty sure it can cure diseases. (Like stupid and PMS)
10. Because I am, and I don't care who knows it!!! Now hand over the candy bar and no-one gets hurt.
Not quite as clever as Dave, but admittedly, he has help. Also, I gots a whole month to milk this thing and I don't want give all my stuff away right at first.
If you're wondering what my favorite chocolate of all time is, It's these , they are divine!
But if I can't afford eight dollar truffles Dove will do.
What's the thing you love and would pine for on a desert island??
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
1. This Vanity Fair cover (in all fairness, you can barely see, but it's Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey) and it says, Who says women can't be funny) it prompted me to buy AND READ the article. I'm way more Vogue, Cosmo and Glamour than Vanity Fair, which seems to tout a lot of pretentious swill that makes me nauseous and although this issue was much of the same, the article on women comedians and women comedy writers was pretty informative. I did get a little miffed when they called Lucille Ball about as interesting as cardboard (sic) in an interview but otherwise pretty good stuff. The basic premise is that women ARE funny, and although they are less of a presence in the media, they are more prolific now, and therefore making themselves known. Even (gasp) in the upcoming comedy Babymama, writing, leading and producing without the help of a big strong man. Go girls!
2. The Dirty Girls Social Club by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, which is about four years too late, because when I checked out her web site, she's already completed the sequel. Still funny, still good.
3. The fact that SCHOOL is back in session. SAVE ME FROM SUMMER!!
4. Planning Leesey's 3rd birthday party. We're thinking of getting her her own place.
5. The fact that post started with a picture of Johnny Depp.
Happy April. Rabbit, Rabbit.